Sunday, May 31, 2009

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

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Friday, May 29, 2009

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Monday, May 25, 2009

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"

The father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

The boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!"

Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

He goes back to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Well what's the difference?" asks the father.

"Well, potentially," says the young boy, "we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but realistically we're just living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

A young girl asks her mother a few questions.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother replies, "You don't ask a woman her age, dear, it's not polite."

"Okay," says the girl, "then how much do you weigh?"

"Dear," says the mother, "that's another thing you don't ask a woman."

The girl thinks for a second and then asks, "Why did you and daddy get divorced?"

Becoming exasperated, the mother replies, "That is enough with the questions, young lady!" and walks away.

Later that day, the girl is playing with her friend and mentions that her mom didn't answer any questions. Her playmate says it's easy to find out, just look at her driver's license.

The girl goes home, gets her mother's driver's license out of her purse and studies it for a few minutes.

The mother comes in and sees what her daughter is doing.

"What are you doing in my purse, young lady?"

Her daughter replies, "I see that you are 32 years old and weigh 145 pounds."

"Give me my license," says the mother.

The girl continues, "And I also know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh, is that right?" says the mother. "And how do you know that?"

"Simple," replies the girl, "you got an F in sex. It says so right here."

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.

One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A man and his wife are getting it on in the living room and he says to her,

"Hey, let's get kinky. I'm gonna blow my load in your ear!"

She replies, "Ewww! No, you're not! I might go deaf!"

The husband tells her, "No you won't! I've been shooting my wad into your throat for years and you're still talking, ain't you?"

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Monday, May 11, 2009

An airline pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel.

He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and starts kissing her.

She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "When I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says.

A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her chest and starts kissing her tits.

She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "When I have white meat - I have white wine."

Eventually he works his way down between her legs, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells, slapping at her crotch.

The pilot replies, "My dear, when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Friday, May 8, 2009

A man and a woman are standing in front of the judge in Divorce Court, arguing over custody of their baby girl.

The wife is arguing that she should have custody.

"Your honor, I gave birth to that child, very long and painful birth!"

The judge looks over at the man. "And what say you?"

The man looks at the judge and replies, "Your honor, if you stick a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi pops out, who's is it? The machine's or yours?"

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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."

"Really? Thanks, man!"

His friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.

Suddenly, the guy in the restroom starts screaming. "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Texan walks into a bar and yells at the bartender, "A round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender asks, "What's the occasion?"

The Texan replies, "My wife just had a typical Texan baby boy, twenty pounds!"

Congratulations come from all around.

A week later, the same Texan comes back into the bar and the bartender asks, "Aren't you the man who had that new baby boy last week?"

Yes, sir, that I did," the Texan replies.

"Well, how's he doing?" asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, "He's doing great! He's fifteen pounds and eating like a good cattle dog."

"He's fifteen pounds?, says the bartender, "Wasn't he twenty pounds just last week?"

"Yes, sir, he was," replied the Texan. "Had him circumcised."

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Monday, May 4, 2009

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

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Sunday, May 3, 2009

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."

Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"

She says, "Once, and I saw rage."

Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"

The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

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Friday, May 1, 2009

Two bums are sitting by the railroad tracks, talking. The first one starts bragging.

"Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every damned one of them... had the best day ever."

The second bum just laughs.

"Ha! That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long."

The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?"

"Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."

The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"

The other replies, "No, she sure didn't".

The third bum says, "Well how could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"

To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

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About Me

I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?