Friday, March 27, 2009

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Two hookers were on a street corner in New York City. They started discussing business.

One of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, that's me, I just burped."

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Clem meets his next neighbor walking down the sidewalk, holding a roll of chicken wire under his arm.

"Hello, Sam, whatchya doin' with that chicken wire?"

"Hi, Clem, I'm going to catch me some chickens."

"What? Sam, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"I can't? Hmmm, I never thought of that. Well, see ya."

Later that evening Clem looks out his window and sees Sam walking by with three chickens under his arms! "Well, I'll be," Clem says to himself.

The very next day Clem is walking down the sidewalk when he meets Sam again. Sam is carrying two rolls of duck tape.

"Hello, Sam, I see you got some duck tape there. Is that to hold the chicken wire together so those chickens don't get out?"

"Nope," says Sam, "I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

Clem was about to say something but decided not to. "Okay then, Sam. We'll see ya."

Later that day Clem sees Sam walking into his house carrying a wire cage full of ducks. "Holy smokes!" thinks Clem.

A couple days later Clem is mowing his grass when he sees Sam coming up the sidewalk.

"Well, hello Sam. I seen the other day you got yourself a bunch of ducks to go with those chickens. How they doing?"

"Oh, they're doing pretty good. I already have some fresh eggs, and those ducks sure are fun to feed by hand." says Sam.

Clem notices Sam is holding some reeds in his hand. "Whatchya got there, Sam?" he asks.

"Oh, these. These are pussy willows," Sam replies.

Clem doesn't miss a beat. "No kidding. Hang on, lemme grab my coat!"

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Sunday, March 22, 2009

A cute suburban housewife, bored with her sex life, begins having an affair with a man while her husband is at work. She doesn't know it but her 10-year-old son has been hiding in her closet, watching the two of them go at it.

But one day her husband comes home early from work. Mom tells her lover to hide in the closet, and he gets the idea that he's not alone in there.

"Sure is dark in here, huh?" says her son.

Not sure what to say, the man replies, "Uh, yeah."

"I have a baseball I'll sell ya." says the boy.

"I don't want to buy a baseball." replies the lover.

"This one you do," says the boy. "I know things about you now."

Realizing the kid has the upper hand, the man asks, "How much?"

"$250.00." says the boy.

A week later, mom's having fun with the same man when her husband comes home early again, so back into the closet he goes.

"Sure is dark in here, huh?" asks the kid.

"Oh, not you again!" says the man.

"Yep. I have a baseball glove I'll sell ya for $750."


A couple days later, dad tells his son to grab his ball and glove and come outside so they can throw a few back and forth. The son says he can't, he doesn't have his ball and glove anymore because he sold them to a friend.

Dad asks him how much he sold them for and the son says, "A thousand dollars."
Dad's a bit astonished, and tells his son it's terrible that he took advantage of a friend like that.

"I'm taking you to the church and you're going to confessional!"

So they drive to the church and the boy sits down in the confessional booth and closes the door. The priest enters his booth and the boy says,

"Sure is dark in here, huh?"

The priest sighs. "How much this time?"

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Saturday, March 21, 2009

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down.

"How did it go for you tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Pretty so-so," replied the daughter. "I had to drop to $20 for a blowjob."

"Oh, that's not so bad," said the mother, "in my day we were lucky to get 50 cents!"

"That's nothing!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!

Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!

Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!

Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!

Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!

Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!

Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!

Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!

Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind!

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Davy was thirteen and awoke in the middle of the night hearing a deep thumping noise in the house. He got out of bed to see what was making the noise.

He left his room and could still hear the thump, thump, thump coming from somewhere. In the hallway he could hear it louder. He walked down the hallway towards his parents bedroom and the thumping became louder and louder. He opened their bedroom door and peaked inside and seen his dad in bed on top of his mom!

Davy was so traumatized he ran back to his room and jumped in bed and didn't say a word the next morning. He got dressed and ran out the door and went to school, didn't even eat breakfast or grab his lunch. And he didn't speak for another four days.

But he eventually got back to normal.

One day about three weeks later, his dad came home and asked the Mrs. where Davy was and she said he got on his bike and went to see his grandmother.

Dad drives over and sees Davy's bike on the porch and walks into the house.

He hears a thump, thump, thump. He walks through the living room and it seems to be coming from upstairs, so he walks up the stairs. It gets louder as he walks down the hall and finally he opens a bedroom door and sticks his head in and sees his son on top of gramma!!!

He flings the door wide open and says, "Oh, sure, it's okay if it's not YOUR mom!"

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

The teacher told her students she would ask them a question every Monday and if one of them could guess the answer, no one would get homework on Friday.

The students loved the idea. On Monday, the teacher asked them, "How many gallons of water are there in the entire world?"

No one could answer that, so they got homework on Friday.

The very next Monday, the teacher asked them, "How many grains of sand can fit in a one-gallon bucket?

Yep, homework on Friday.

Johnny could see how this was going, they'd always get homework, so he thought about it for awhile. He got two golf balls and painted them black.

The next Monday just as the teacher was about to ask her question, Johnny rolled the two golf balls down the aisle to the front of the class.

"Okay", said the teacher, "who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Johnny immediately stood up and said, "Bill Cosby! No homework for me on Friday!"

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew into the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

Astonished, she replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?!'

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Friday, March 13, 2009

A woman is shaking the dirt out of a throw rug over her balcony railing on the 44th floor when she slips and falls over the railing.

Plummeting towards the ground she prays to God to save her.

Just then a man on the 39th floor reaches his arms out and catches her.

"Hey, baby! Do you suck dick?", he asks.

Surprised and disgusted, she says, "NO!"

So the guy drops her back over the railing. She's s falling and screaming for her life when a man on the 32nd floor catches her.

"Do you like hot, pounding sex?", he asks.

Indignantly, she yells at him, "Of course not!"

The guy tosses her back over the rail and she screams bloody murder as she falls closer to her death.

On the 25th floor yet another man reaches out and catches her. Learning from the first two men, she immediately blurts out "I love cock! I love sex!"

The guy looks at her, says "YOU SLUT!" and throws her over the railing...

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Jim, the office manager, arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice:

"Bill, I used to get stressed out working here, too. But you know what? I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

"Hey, Bill! I see you followed my advice!"

"Yes, I did." answers the employee, "It was great!"

"By the way, Jim, your wife looks really hot in that red nightie."

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

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Monday, March 9, 2009

A Southern redneck couple went to the doctor to see about getting her tubes tied or getting him a vasectomy.

"The doctor will see you now." said the receptionist.

The couple walks into the doctors office and the doc talks to them for a bit and discovers that the couple have already had nine children. This puzzles the doctor.

"After having nine children, why have you decided to seek this type of procedure now?"

The man looks at the doctor with all seriousness and says, "Well, doc, it's like this. My wife was watching that there Maury Povich show and she heard that nine out of ten kids born in this country is Mexican. Now we already gots us nine, and we don't want to take the chance 'cause neither one of us knows how to speak Spanish."

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam replies, "The good news."

God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."

Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"

And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."



A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What's the difference between a lawyer, a politician and a hooker?

The hooker will quit fucking you when you're dead...



Why God created blondes: because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.

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Monday, March 2, 2009

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck when a drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?"

The woman protested," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!"

The drunk looks at her with glazed eyes and says," Quiet, I'm talking to the duck!"

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Grab this free report, 'The Cash Collector', while it's still available and learn the two simple principles that can make you wealthy! Click here and download it now!

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About Me

I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?