Saturday, February 21, 2009

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in and caught them.

"You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home, young lady!" she said.

Susie replied, "Oh, Mom! Not from Daddy, too! Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

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Friday, February 20, 2009

A man, lost in the desert for more than a week without water, spots a tavern in the distance. The parking lot is full of cars.

He manages to crawl through the front door and pulls himself up at the bar and asks the bartender for water.

"Got any money?" the bartender asks.

Shaking his head no, the man again asks for water but the bartender refuses. "No money, no water."

Looking to the side, the thirsty man spots a spitoon and says, "I guess I'll have to drink this."

He picks it up and tips it back. The customers see this and begin to get sick. They start rushing for the door and the bartender knows he's going to lose business, so he gives in and tells the guy to stop, he can have some water.

But the man keeps the spitoon tipped back while the remaining customers leave.

Finally, he sets it down on the bar.

The bartender, pretty irritated now, asks him, "Why didn't you stop when I told you to?"

The man replies, "Couldn't, it was all one long string."

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile.

The waitress says, "Sorry, the guy behind you got the last bowl."

He looks and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

"Okay, thanks!"

He takes the bowl and starts to eat it, but about half way down his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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Monday, February 16, 2009

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is out-of-bounds to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

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Saturday, February 14, 2009

These two starving bums are walking through a downtown Cleveland, Ohio alley when one of them sees a dead cat. They haven't eaten days.

He thinks, "Hey, that's food!" He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, aren't you hungry? Grab yourself some of this cat."

"Are you crazy?!" replies the second bum, "That thing's been dead for days, I'd rather starve than touch that!"

The first bum says, "Suit yourself," and continues to chew up the cat.

A few hours later the bum says, "Oh, shit, my stomach hurts, real bad, man. There might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he bends over and heaves his guts out on the sidewalk, leaving a puddle of cat skin and assorted organs.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Oh, wow, man! Thanks! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

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Friday, February 13, 2009

Bernie Madoff finally got sent to prison for scamming his investors out of $50 billon dollars.

He was taken to the prison, given his cell assignment and the guards walked him over to meet his new cellmate, a mountain of a black man, a huge, mean-looking fellow.

The guards pushed Bernie inside the cell, locked the door and walked off. Bernie swallows hard and quietly makes up the top bunk, trying hard not to look at the convict.

The silence was deafening in the cell. Bernie was scared beyond belief, about to wet his pants.

Suddenly his monstrous cellmate walks closer, looks him in the eye and asks, "What are you in here for?"

Bernie backs up against the wall and meekly replies, "Uh, uh, I was sentenced for white color crime."

The large man says, "Hmmmph! Me, too."

Bernie says, "Really?"

And his cell mate replies, "Yeah, I murdered a couple investment bankers."

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"

Sure, no problem."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters, sitting on the bed.

He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "Yeah, it is! Here, I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His friend yells back, "Yes! Both of them!"

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

One looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replies "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my dick."

The doctor calls the man with the red ring into the exam room. A minute later as the two are walking back out the doctor tells the man it won't be a problem.

The doctor then calls the other man in and examines him.

"Well," the doctor says, "your penis is going to fall off and you are going die".

The mans says, "What?! You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor replies, "Yes but there's a lot of difference between gangrene and lipstick!"

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Monday, February 9, 2009

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

As the diner was paying the waiter after enjoying his meal, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

A young couple were hitch hiking one night and not having much luck getting a ride. The few cars coming by just kept going.

The young lady says, "I have to pee. I sure wish there was a gas station or something around here."

"Well, " he said, " I don't see one anywhere. Why don't you just go into the woods a little and squat down and pee. It's dark, nobody will see."

"No, there's probably bears in there!", she's says.

"Oh, don't be silly. Look, I'll go with you, okay?"

So they both walk into the woods a little and she squats down to pee. Feeling a bit horny, he decides to reach down and cop a feel but grabs something long and hard.

"WHOA! What'd you do, get a sex change?! I just grabbed something long, hard and warm!", he says.

"She replies, "Oh, don't be silly, I didn't have a sex change, I just changed my mind and decided to take a shit."

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Saturday, February 7, 2009

A man and his eight-year-old son are talking, when his son asks him, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The Dad, caught off guard, asks him " before or after sex?"

The kid says "Uh, before sex."

So the dad says to him, "Well, have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles?"

"Yeah" says the son. "But what about after sex?

His dad thinks a second and says, "Imagine a bulldog eating mayonnaise..."

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Friday, February 6, 2009

An old man woke up and found, to his amazement, that his dick was rock hard for the first time in years.

He woke the wife and showed her his incredible hardon.

"Honey! Look at this! My dicks hard!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do?"

Still half asleep, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got the wrinkles out, it'd be a good time to wash it."



Mother walks into her teen daughter's bedroom, holding a condom wrapper in her hand.

"I found this under your bed this morning, young lady. Are you sexually active?"

The daughter looks at her mom and says, "Huh-uh, I just lay there."

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Two married buddies are out drinking one night.

One turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Betty and June were having lunch together.

June says to Betty, "I need to be honest with you, Betty, I'm thinking about getting a boob job."

Betty replies "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

Thinking for a minute, June says, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Monday, February 2, 2009

Questions and answers:

What's blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

What's the definition of making love?

That's what a woman is doing while a man is fucking her.

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

And why did God create yeast infections?

So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.

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Sunday, February 1, 2009

A couple in their eighties goes to the doctors office and asks the doctor if he'd watch them having sex. The doc says yes, so the two old folks get it on.

Afterwards the doc tells them he sees nothing wrong and bills them $50. The couple make an appointment for the same time next week.

Next week they show up, have sex in front of the doctor again, but the doc again doesn't see anything wrong and bills them another $50. They schedule another appointment for next week.

They show up for their appointment, have sex in front of the doctor, he still doesn't see anything wrong and bills them another $50. But this time he asks them why they keep making appointments to have sex in front of him.

The old man says, "Well, she's married so we can't go to her place. I'm married and we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $101.98. We come here, you only charge me $50 and Medicare reimburses me $42.75 of that, that's why."

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?