Thursday, April 30, 2009

It was the stir of the town when a White,80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

A year later she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "Well, you've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are an amazing man, being able to do it at your age. How do you do it?"

Again, he said, "You've just got to keep the old motor running."

The very next year, his wife comes back to the hospital to deliver yet another child.

The nurse said, "This is incredible. You're a father again at 83! How on Earth do you do it?

Smiling widely, he replied, "Well, you've just got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse looked at the newborn baby and said, "Well, you had better change the oil, because this baby is black!"


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say, it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say, man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Confucius say, baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucius say, man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius say, learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Confucius say, virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Friday, April 24, 2009

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.

Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced.

He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!".

The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The man goes to a costume party at a house across town. He walks up to the door and rings the doorbell and a lady opens it. She stops and looks at him, as he's not wearing anything except a pair of pants.

She's dressed as Cinderella.

She smiles and asks him, "And what are you supposed to be?"

He replies, "I'm a premature ejaculation! I just came in my pants!"

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars".

He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.

Soon another girl does the same thing. "Psst! Blowjob, five dollars."

Confused, he keeps walking.

The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".

His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!"

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.

"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."

"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

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Friday, April 17, 2009

A 16-year-old girl was working as a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided the brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Oh!" said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's not difficult at all... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A young man and a young woman are madly in love with each other and are on their way to Vegas to get married.

The young woman looked over at her fiance' and asked him, "Are you sure you want to marry me? I know we haven't been intimate yet and I think that's because my boobs are pretty small, but are you sure?

He looks at her as they're driving down the highway and says, "Oh, that's not true. Sure I want to marry you, I love you, baby, but the reason we haven't been intimate isn't because your boobs are small. I really like small boobs. It's because I'm built like a baby down below. And besides, I think it's really romantic that we're saving ourselves for each other until after we get married."

"Oh, I love you, honey bunny," she says. "I love you, too, cutie pie," he replies.

They drive on into Vegas and get married in the chapel.

On the evening of their honeymoon, she undresses and he sees her boobs for the first time.

"Wow, you really do have small boobs!, he says happily as he undresses. After removing his underwear and turning around to face her, she looks down and her face goes white as a ghost.

"Oh my God! You told me you were built like a baby down there!" she exclaims.

He replies, "I am, dear. Eight pounds, twenty-one inches long."

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

One day Little Timmy comes home from elementary school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!"

"Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!"

The next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited. "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I did the best of everyone in fifth grade! I got them all correct and the teacher said I did very good!"

And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!"

The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis!"

"Well, sure, son," his father replied "that's because you're 17!"

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Monday, April 13, 2009

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

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Friday, April 10, 2009

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Oh, Maria! Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Now get back upstairs and let him take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and she seen he was missing all of his toes on his left foot. She ran back downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta, Maria." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

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Monday, April 6, 2009

Jim and Nancy decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Martins have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and Mr. and Mrs. Denton are screwing each other."

Hearing that, Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?!" the startled father asked.

He replied, "Well, 'cause their kid is standing out on the balcony, too."

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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Steve and Dave are driving down the street when they pass a travel agency.

Steve says "You know, Dave, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Becky got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, so I went to the Bahamas and Becky got pregnant again."

Dave says, "So what are you gonna do different this year?"

Steve says, "This year, I'm takin' Becky with me..."

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Three Mexican kids were sitting on the bank of the Rio Grande River, when they seen a man floating past, struggling to keep from drowning. One of them gets a long stick and they hold it out for him to grab onto, then they drag him to shore.

Turns out it's Barack Obama!

Sputtering, Obama looks at the kids as he clings to the shore and says, Thank you so much! I was about to drown!"

Dragging his tired ass out of the water, he says, "Do you know I'm the President of the United States? You guys just saved the President! El Presidente'!"

The kids look at him blankly.

Obama looks at the first kid and tells him he can have anything he wants. "Anything. Just name it."

"In Spanish, the first kid replies, "Um, I want a new house for my family, a big, fancy house!"

"You got it!", says Obama. Then he looks at the second kid and asks him what he wants.

"I want a brand new Lamborghini, with a loud radio!", he says.

"Done!", says Obama. He looks a the third kid, who is looking down at the ground. "What would you like?"

The kid slowly looks at Obama and says, "I want a wheelchair, some crutches and lots of bandages."

Obama, stunned, asks him, "Are you sure?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, 'cause when my dad finds out I saved your ass, he's gonna beat the crap out of me."

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Friday, April 3, 2009

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women! No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?