Saturday, January 31, 2009

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

(It's a joke, people! Don't start sending me letters...)



This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time.

She sends him up and he meets this incredible blonde girl laying naked on the bed. He gets on the bed and starts licking her twat.

Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, since he's never done this before, he continues eating her out.

A few minutes later he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal, he keeps going.

But then he comes across a small piece of meat. He stops and asks her, "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?"

She looks at him and replies "Oh, no, Honey, but I think the guy before you was!"

(I apologize for that one! :P)
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Friday, January 30, 2009

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it and serve the venison for supper.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "Dad, what's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint. Its what your mother calls me."

The girl screams, "Oh, my God! We're eating asshole!!"

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

A newly-wed couple are taking a stroll down a beautiful Jamaican beach when they pass a shanty house. Sitting on the front steps is a large, overweight Jamaican woman, stark naked, legs spread wide apart, eating a slice of melon.

The husband, feeling a bit randy, asks his wife if she'd ever walk around in public naked like that. She answers with a very disgusted look on her face.

The next day about the same time, they walk past the shanty house and the large, overweight woman is again sitting on the front steps completely naked, legs spread apart, eating another piece of melon.

The husband again asks his new wife if she'd ever walk around naked like that in public and this time she almost slaps him.

The next day they walk past the shanty house, and the woman is again sitting on the front steps, completely naked, legs spread apart, eating yet another piece of melon.

The wife, knowing what her husband is about to ask, looks at him and says, "Don't even."

He looks at his wife and says, "Look, why don't we walk up there and ask her what it feels like to sit outside naked." Sighing and rolling her eyes, the wife agrees.

They yell up to the woman a cheerful 'Good morning!', walk through the gate and approach the steps, where the wife asks the woman how it feels to walk around outside naked, and the woman replies, "I don't pay much mind to it, but it sure keeps the flies off my melon."

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Her husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and told her, "This'll make you really happy tonight!"

He was right. When he left the bedroom to go to the bathroom, she squirted it on the doorknob and he couldn't get back in!



Husband and wife got mad at each other. The husband yelled at his wife, "When you die I'm going to have your headstone inscribed with 'Here lies my wife, cold as usual.'

Wife yells back, "Well, when you die your headstone will say, 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last.'



This man called 911 and said, "You better hurry over to the motel, there's this woman in room 22 dieing of the clap."

The 911 operator replies, "People don't die from the clap, sir."

He replied, "They do when they give it to me!"

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A steelworker, working on the twentieth floor of an office building, had to pee. He walked over to the foreman and asked if he could go down and use the portable toilet.

"What?", said the foreman, "It'll take you five minutes to get down there, five minutes to do your business and another five minutes to get back to work. No."

"But I really need to go!", pleaded the steelworker.

"NO!", replied the foreman, "I can't have you off the job that long. Look, grab that plank and stick it out over the edge of the building and I'll stand on one end, you walk out to the other end and go and it'll evaporate by the time it reaches the ground."

The steelworker stuck the plank out over the edge, the foreman stood on one end of it while the steelworker walked out onto the other end and did his business.

That's when someone yelled that there was a phone call for the foreman and the foreman stepped off the end of the plank...

Six weeks later, during an inquest into the death of this steelworker, the judge was befuddled. They couldn't figure out how this man fell off the edge of the building.

A shy, small young woman held her hand up.

"Yes?", said the judge.

"Standing up, the young woman replied, "Your honor, I think it had something to do with sex."

"Really?", asked the judge. "What do you mean?"

Swallowing nervously, the young woman said, "Well, I work on the fifth floor of that building and when I saw the poor man go past my window he was holding his thing in one hand and waving with the other, yelling "Where'd that cocksucker go?!"

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Monday, January 26, 2009

The doctor sees the patient and realizes what he needs to do to help the man. He hands him a pingpong ball and tells him to put it in his mouth. The man does, the doctor performs the procedure and the man spits the ball back out.

Curious, the man says, "Thanks, doc. That didn't take very long, but I was wondering, what if I had accidentally swallowed the ball?"

The doc smiles and replies, "Well, just wash it off and bring it back like everyone else."

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Three titans of industry were golfing. One of them hooked the ball when he teed off, so he took off to find it.

The other two stood there and talked.

"So, how's you son doing?" one says.

"Oh, my boy is doing very well. As a matter of fact he said next week he's going to Europe for a three week vacation and is taking a friend with him. My son is going to pay for everything, that's how well he's doing. What about your kid?"

"My son is doing fantastic! His contracting business is going gangbusters with those new lower interest rates on mortgages, just making money hand over fist. As a matter of fact, he's building a young man a brand new house and refuses to charge him a dime for it."

As they were talking , the third man comes back with his ball.

"Found it! So what are you guys talking about?"

"Oh, we were just talking about our boys and how well they're doing. How's your son doing lately?"

"Well, to be honest, he's doing okay but he told me last week that he's gay."

The other two look at each other and one says, "Oh, that's too bad."

"Oh, it's okay." says the third man. "I'm just glad that we have such an open relationship that he can come to me and tell me something like that without feeling bad about it. But he's doing okay. He tells me that next week he's going to Europe for three weeks with a friend and another friend is building him a brand new house."

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch.

The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"

The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

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Friday, January 23, 2009

One day at home the wife is alone when the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy.

"Hi, I'm Mike, one of Tony's friends. Is he home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can come in and wait if you want."

So Mike comes in and they sit down and after a bit of chit chat the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see one."

Sara, a bit taken aback by this, thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell, it's a hundred bucks, what could it hurt. She unbuttons her blouse, pulls down one side of her bra and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and then Mike says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer promptly opens her blouse again and lets him have a nice long look.

Mike hands her the second hundred dollars, says thanks, but he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife, feeling frisky, goes up to him and says, "You know, your friend Mike came over while you were gone."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Oh, good. Did he drop off that 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man.

While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"

The hitch hiker says, " Sure."

So the trucker has this monkey in the sleeper and he makes it come up front with them. He smacks the monkey up side his head and the monkey immediately gives him a blow job.

Once the monkey makes the trucker cum, the trucker looks at the hitch hiker and says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"

The hitch hiker looks back and hesitantly says "Well, okay, but just don't smack me in the head so hard."

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Barack Obama walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.

"Well it all started when Michele and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to look for it, I saw the ball stuck in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake."

The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"

"I said 'Hey, I think this looks like yours, dear!"

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Monday, January 19, 2009

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.

The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."

"Correct“, says the manager, “now try this one."

"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused“, says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

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About Me

I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?