Sunday, August 30, 2009

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because jumping out of airplanes at 3,000 feet scares the hell out of the guide dogs!

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Friday, August 28, 2009

What do you call a Mexican woman with fake breasts?

Sili Con Carne...

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?

"Did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way?"

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Doctor see a man who has five penis's.

Curious, the doc asks him, "How do your pants fit?"

The guy says to the doc, "Like a glove!"


Greek Army motto: Never leave your buddies behind...

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?".

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?".

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

The girl replies, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

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Oooo.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Barack and Michelle Obama were going to a Halloween party in a few days, so Barack asked Michelle to go to a costume store and pick out a costume for him to wear.

That evening he returns to the White House to find a Superman costume lying on the bed.

"Michelle, what is this?"

"It's your costume for the Halloween party Thursday night."

"I can't wear that!" he exclaims. "Have you ever heard of a Black Superman?! Get me something else!"

The next day a rather miffed Michelle Obama takes the Superman costume back and gets him something else.

That night the President walks into the bedroom and finds a Batman costume on the bed.

"Picking it up he says to her, "Batman?! Have you ever seen a Black Batman? NO! I am definitely not wearing THAT! Now take it back and see get me something more appropriate to wear!"

The next day I very angry Michelle Obama returns the Batman costume and gets her husband something else to wear.

When the President gets back he discovers three white buttons, a white belt and a four foot long 2 X 4 lying on the bed.

Puzzled, he calls his wife into the bedroom and asks her about these items.

"Well," she says, "you haven't liked anything I've gotten for you yet, so you can either wear the three white buttons on your chest and go as a domino, or you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo, or you can SHOVE THE 2X4 STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS AND GO AS A FUDGESICLE FOR ALL I CARE!!!"

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Monday, August 3, 2009

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to cross back into the United States but was stopped at the border crossing.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry but I lost my wallet. I don't have any I.D. on me." replies the man.

"Yeah, I hear that every day. Sorry, no identification, no entry." says the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American," exclaims the man. "I have a tattoo of Ronald Reagan on one side of my butt and a tattoo of George W. Bush on the other!"

"This I gotta see," says the agent. He leads the man into an office, where the man promptly drops his pants.

"By golly, you're right," exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip to Chicago."

"Thanks," replies the man, "but how did you know I'm from Chicago?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

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Sunday, August 2, 2009

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says, "Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?