Monday, November 23, 2009

KFC has a new dinner on the menu!!!

We all remember the "Hillary Meal"--- small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced a new addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.---

it consists of nothing but LEFT WINGS AND ASSHOLES

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Monday, October 12, 2009

During a recent password audit, it was found a blonde was using the following password:

mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofy

When asked why she used such a long password she replied, "Well, it said it had to be at least eight characters."

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Monday, October 5, 2009

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Originally, God made woman with three boobs, not just two.

But when the middle one kept getting in the way, he did some surgery.

So woman is standing before God holding that boob in her hand and wondering what she should do with it.

So God made man...

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Two elderly gentlemen decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.....

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her tit she farted and flew out the window!"

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Guy goes into a bar, and there's only a robot bartender. He walks up to the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "168".

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,"What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini".

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

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Laughter is the best medicine and I hope you find something to laugh about every day!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea! Let's do it!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing ...I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this"'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

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Monday, September 7, 2009

A man took his pet duck to the movie theatre. He was worried about not getting admitted if someone saw the duck, so to hide the duck he stuck it inside his pants.

After about fifteen minutes after the man found a seat inside the theater the duck began to get uncomfortable, so the man opened his zipper so the duck could stick his head out. That was a lot better.

There were two women sitting next to him in the theatre.

One woman said to the other one, "Muriel, that man has his "thing" out".

Muriel said, So what you’ve seen one before.

"Yes", replied her friend, "but this one is eating my popcorn!"

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Confucious say...

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!

Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly!

Man who walk sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok!

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it!

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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because jumping out of airplanes at 3,000 feet scares the hell out of the guide dogs!

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Friday, August 28, 2009

What do you call a Mexican woman with fake breasts?

Sili Con Carne...

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What did the doctor say to the prostitute when she complained no hair would grow on her vagina?

"Did you ever see grass grow on a busy high way?"

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Doctor see a man who has five penis's.

Curious, the doc asks him, "How do your pants fit?"

The guy says to the doc, "Like a glove!"


Greek Army motto: Never leave your buddies behind...

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?".

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?".

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

The girl replies, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

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Oooo.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Barack and Michelle Obama were going to a Halloween party in a few days, so Barack asked Michelle to go to a costume store and pick out a costume for him to wear.

That evening he returns to the White House to find a Superman costume lying on the bed.

"Michelle, what is this?"

"It's your costume for the Halloween party Thursday night."

"I can't wear that!" he exclaims. "Have you ever heard of a Black Superman?! Get me something else!"

The next day a rather miffed Michelle Obama takes the Superman costume back and gets him something else.

That night the President walks into the bedroom and finds a Batman costume on the bed.

"Picking it up he says to her, "Batman?! Have you ever seen a Black Batman? NO! I am definitely not wearing THAT! Now take it back and see get me something more appropriate to wear!"

The next day I very angry Michelle Obama returns the Batman costume and gets her husband something else to wear.

When the President gets back he discovers three white buttons, a white belt and a four foot long 2 X 4 lying on the bed.

Puzzled, he calls his wife into the bedroom and asks her about these items.

"Well," she says, "you haven't liked anything I've gotten for you yet, so you can either wear the three white buttons on your chest and go as a domino, or you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo, or you can SHOVE THE 2X4 STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS AND GO AS A FUDGESICLE FOR ALL I CARE!!!"

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Monday, August 3, 2009

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to cross back into the United States but was stopped at the border crossing.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry but I lost my wallet. I don't have any I.D. on me." replies the man.

"Yeah, I hear that every day. Sorry, no identification, no entry." says the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American," exclaims the man. "I have a tattoo of Ronald Reagan on one side of my butt and a tattoo of George W. Bush on the other!"

"This I gotta see," says the agent. He leads the man into an office, where the man promptly drops his pants.

"By golly, you're right," exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip to Chicago."

"Thanks," replies the man, "but how did you know I'm from Chicago?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

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Sunday, August 2, 2009

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says, "Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The fag says, "Oh, Sheriff, I'll need at least two hours."

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Monday, July 27, 2009

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Jack and his best friend are sitting on the front porch on a hot Virginia summer afternoon. Jack's Bluetick hound is lazily licking himself between the legs.

Jack's buddy says, "Boy... I wish I could do that..."

Jack looks over at the hound and then at his friend and says, "Ooohh he'd bite you..."

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Superman is flying around Metropolis when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop.

He flies a little closer and sees she's nude and squirming, obviously turned on. He thinks about flying down there and screwing the hell out of her but his help is needed elsewhere so he flies off to take care of the bad guys.

Three minutes later he flies back to where he spotted Wonder Woman and she's still there, and she's really squirming on her towel now! He decides to give her a fast one and he'll be gone before she even knows what happened, so down her flies. Wham, bam! Thank you, maam!

Wonder Woman stops squirming and says, "What was that?!"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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If Gramma ain't happy, NOBODY is happy!
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Monday, July 13, 2009

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered an illustration. A little boy who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. .Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

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Oh, damn, now that's just funny!
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Saturday, July 4, 2009

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven.

When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.

"Who was God's son?" said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

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Happy Fourth Of July Everybody!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

3 explorers were looking in the Amazon jungle when they were captured by tribesmen. They were taken to their chief.

The chief tells each of them they have trespassed and they must go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits.

The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief orders him to shove them all up his ass without making a sound.

The guy manages to get 2 bananas in but when he goes for the third one he starts screaming, so the tribesmen kill him.

A while later the second guy comes back with 10 berries. The chief orders him to do the same as the first guy. He thinks no big deal, and begins shoving them in his asshole. He gets 9 in and is about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing. He was immediately attacked and killed.

Now the first two guys meet in heaven and they start talking. The first man says, "Hey dude why did you laugh? You could've gone back and told out families what had happened".

The 2nd guy explains, "Sorry, man, I just couldn't help myself when I saw Jeff walking back into camp carrying 10 pineapples!"

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

What's the top speed women can achieve while having sex?

68, because if they do 69, they'll lose control, flip over and blow a rod.

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Oh, she's going to get me for that one!

Friday, June 26, 2009

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A woman walks out of the grocery on her way to her car but drops her bag of groceries on the pavement. Eggs, milk, tomato juice and a few other things are broken.

A drunk walks up, sees her crying as she tries to salvage what she can and says, "Ah, that's okay, lady. It wouldn't have lived anyway, it's eyes are too far apart."

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Monday, June 22, 2009

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies, "No."

She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

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Monday, June 15, 2009

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention."

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags..."

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hello, Mr. Smartypants here.

I wanted to take a moment and do something just a bit different today.

I want to help you help yourself.

"What? Did he say he wants to help me help myself?"

Yes, I did, and here's what I mean.

You know about the internet or you wouldn't be reading this. You know that there are millions of websites online and you know a lot of people are making a LOT of money with them.

Have you ever wanted to make money online? I'll bet you do. A lot of people want to, but they don't know the first thing about how!

How do I design a website?

How do I get it online?

How do I collect the money when someone buys something?

What will I sell?

There are a million questions but it's so hard to find anyone who will give you an answer to even one of them!

Until now...click here.

I've discovered a very kind man named Chris Farrell. He's from London, England and now lives in Beverly Hills, California. He has created a central place to explain everything, and it's called Chris Farrell Membership.

It is a truly exceptional site.

Chris will take you step by step from the very beginning and teach you...everything!

...How websites work! (A lot of people think they know but they don't!)

...How to design your own website! (It's easy to do it yourself and save big $$$!)

...How to add videos to your website! (That's really cool!)

...How to connect your website with PayPal to accept payment! (Show me the money!)

...And tons of other things!

Click here.

But get this: he shows you with videos!

Chris has made more than 100 incredible videos you can watch! You will be able to actually see him do all of this stuff, one bit at a time, see where he clicks and what pages he goes to, all of it in great detail, clearly explained and very, very easy to follow along with. And...he'll show you how to do it right along with him!

Not only that, but his membership site has a fantastic discussion forum, where we can post a question and get an answer, either from Chris himself or from other members, including myself.

You are not alone. If you ever have a problem that you can't figure out, simply post a question on the discussion forum and you'll have an answer, usually within only minutes! (I know. I've asked questions there myself. And answered quite a few, too!)

That's perhaps one of the hardest things about getting a website online, running into a little hiccup and not knowing how to get past it. It can be quite frustrating, but not anymore! You will have people you can turn to who will help you.

I know all of this might seem difficult to believe, but I assure you, it's true!

You really can do this! You really can have your very own websites on the internet!

If it were not for Chris, I wouldn't have a website on the internet. Seriously. Not only do I have one, I have three! And that's just what I learned from his membership site over the past short two months!

I've never been a computer geek. Believe me, if I can do it, I know for a fact you can...

But don't just take my word for it. Find out for yourself! Click here.

For the first time ever you can 'test drive' the entire membership site for a full 14 days for only $4.95, complete access to everything!

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For only 35.3 cents per day you can come to the Discussion Forum and read all of the posts, learn and even make a post, even if it's just to say hello!

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."

He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Recent observations...

Some women have pierced belly buttons only because it gives them a place to hang the air freshener.

Prostitutes make more money than drugs dealers because they can wash and resell their crack.

Miracle Whip - a 90-year-old man jacking off and actually coming.

Women are a lot like paper milk cartons because you have to open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

The difference between a whore and a bitch is a whore will fuck everyone at the party. The bitch will fuck everyone except you.

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"Mike, what is your word?"

"Saturday," says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

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Friday, May 29, 2009

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Monday, May 25, 2009

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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Grab this free report, 'The Cash Collector', while it's still available and learn the two simple principles that can make you wealthy! Click here and download it now!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"

The father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

The boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!"

Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

He goes back to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Well what's the difference?" asks the father.

"Well, potentially," says the young boy, "we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but realistically we're just living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

A young girl asks her mother a few questions.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother replies, "You don't ask a woman her age, dear, it's not polite."

"Okay," says the girl, "then how much do you weigh?"

"Dear," says the mother, "that's another thing you don't ask a woman."

The girl thinks for a second and then asks, "Why did you and daddy get divorced?"

Becoming exasperated, the mother replies, "That is enough with the questions, young lady!" and walks away.

Later that day, the girl is playing with her friend and mentions that her mom didn't answer any questions. Her playmate says it's easy to find out, just look at her driver's license.

The girl goes home, gets her mother's driver's license out of her purse and studies it for a few minutes.

The mother comes in and sees what her daughter is doing.

"What are you doing in my purse, young lady?"

Her daughter replies, "I see that you are 32 years old and weigh 145 pounds."

"Give me my license," says the mother.

The girl continues, "And I also know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Oh, is that right?" says the mother. "And how do you know that?"

"Simple," replies the girl, "you got an F in sex. It says so right here."

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.

One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A man and his wife are getting it on in the living room and he says to her,

"Hey, let's get kinky. I'm gonna blow my load in your ear!"

She replies, "Ewww! No, you're not! I might go deaf!"

The husband tells her, "No you won't! I've been shooting my wad into your throat for years and you're still talking, ain't you?"

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Monday, May 11, 2009

An airline pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel.

He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and starts kissing her.

She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "When I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says.

A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her chest and starts kissing her tits.

She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "When I have white meat - I have white wine."

Eventually he works his way down between her legs, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells, slapping at her crotch.

The pilot replies, "My dear, when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Friday, May 8, 2009

A man and a woman are standing in front of the judge in Divorce Court, arguing over custody of their baby girl.

The wife is arguing that she should have custody.

"Your honor, I gave birth to that child, very long and painful birth!"

The judge looks over at the man. "And what say you?"

The man looks at the judge and replies, "Your honor, if you stick a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi pops out, who's is it? The machine's or yours?"

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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."

"Really? Thanks, man!"

His friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.

Suddenly, the guy in the restroom starts screaming. "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Texan walks into a bar and yells at the bartender, "A round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender asks, "What's the occasion?"

The Texan replies, "My wife just had a typical Texan baby boy, twenty pounds!"

Congratulations come from all around.

A week later, the same Texan comes back into the bar and the bartender asks, "Aren't you the man who had that new baby boy last week?"

Yes, sir, that I did," the Texan replies.

"Well, how's he doing?" asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, "He's doing great! He's fifteen pounds and eating like a good cattle dog."

"He's fifteen pounds?, says the bartender, "Wasn't he twenty pounds just last week?"

"Yes, sir, he was," replied the Texan. "Had him circumcised."

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Monday, May 4, 2009

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

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Sunday, May 3, 2009

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."

Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"

She says, "Once, and I saw rage."

Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"

The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

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Friday, May 1, 2009

Two bums are sitting by the railroad tracks, talking. The first one starts bragging.

"Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every damned one of them... had the best day ever."

The second bum just laughs.

"Ha! That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long."

The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?"

"Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."

The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"

The other replies, "No, she sure didn't".

The third bum says, "Well how could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"

To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

It was the stir of the town when a White,80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

A year later she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "Well, you've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are an amazing man, being able to do it at your age. How do you do it?"

Again, he said, "You've just got to keep the old motor running."

The very next year, his wife comes back to the hospital to deliver yet another child.

The nurse said, "This is incredible. You're a father again at 83! How on Earth do you do it?

Smiling widely, he replied, "Well, you've just got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse looked at the newborn baby and said, "Well, you had better change the oil, because this baby is black!"


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say, it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Confucius say, man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Confucius say, baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucius say, man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius say, learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Confucius say, virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.


Rimshot by JustJoking.com


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Friday, April 24, 2009

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.

Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced.

He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!".

The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The man goes to a costume party at a house across town. He walks up to the door and rings the doorbell and a lady opens it. She stops and looks at him, as he's not wearing anything except a pair of pants.

She's dressed as Cinderella.

She smiles and asks him, "And what are you supposed to be?"

He replies, "I'm a premature ejaculation! I just came in my pants!"

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars".

He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.

Soon another girl does the same thing. "Psst! Blowjob, five dollars."

Confused, he keeps walking.

The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".

His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!"

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.

"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."

"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

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Saturday, April 18, 2009

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

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Friday, April 17, 2009

A 16-year-old girl was working as a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided the brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Oh!" said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's not difficult at all... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A young man and a young woman are madly in love with each other and are on their way to Vegas to get married.

The young woman looked over at her fiance' and asked him, "Are you sure you want to marry me? I know we haven't been intimate yet and I think that's because my boobs are pretty small, but are you sure?

He looks at her as they're driving down the highway and says, "Oh, that's not true. Sure I want to marry you, I love you, baby, but the reason we haven't been intimate isn't because your boobs are small. I really like small boobs. It's because I'm built like a baby down below. And besides, I think it's really romantic that we're saving ourselves for each other until after we get married."

"Oh, I love you, honey bunny," she says. "I love you, too, cutie pie," he replies.

They drive on into Vegas and get married in the chapel.

On the evening of their honeymoon, she undresses and he sees her boobs for the first time.

"Wow, you really do have small boobs!, he says happily as he undresses. After removing his underwear and turning around to face her, she looks down and her face goes white as a ghost.

"Oh my God! You told me you were built like a baby down there!" she exclaims.

He replies, "I am, dear. Eight pounds, twenty-one inches long."

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

One day Little Timmy comes home from elementary school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!"

"Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!"

The next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited. "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I did the best of everyone in fifth grade! I got them all correct and the teacher said I did very good!"

And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!"

The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis!"

"Well, sure, son," his father replied "that's because you're 17!"

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Monday, April 13, 2009

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

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Friday, April 10, 2009

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Oh, Maria! Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Now get back upstairs and let him take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and she seen he was missing all of his toes on his left foot. She ran back downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta, Maria." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

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Monday, April 6, 2009

Jim and Nancy decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Martins have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and Mr. and Mrs. Denton are screwing each other."

Hearing that, Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?!" the startled father asked.

He replied, "Well, 'cause their kid is standing out on the balcony, too."

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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Steve and Dave are driving down the street when they pass a travel agency.

Steve says "You know, Dave, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Becky got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, so I went to the Bahamas and Becky got pregnant again."

Dave says, "So what are you gonna do different this year?"

Steve says, "This year, I'm takin' Becky with me..."

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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Three Mexican kids were sitting on the bank of the Rio Grande River, when they seen a man floating past, struggling to keep from drowning. One of them gets a long stick and they hold it out for him to grab onto, then they drag him to shore.

Turns out it's Barack Obama!

Sputtering, Obama looks at the kids as he clings to the shore and says, Thank you so much! I was about to drown!"

Dragging his tired ass out of the water, he says, "Do you know I'm the President of the United States? You guys just saved the President! El Presidente'!"

The kids look at him blankly.

Obama looks at the first kid and tells him he can have anything he wants. "Anything. Just name it."

"In Spanish, the first kid replies, "Um, I want a new house for my family, a big, fancy house!"

"You got it!", says Obama. Then he looks at the second kid and asks him what he wants.

"I want a brand new Lamborghini, with a loud radio!", he says.

"Done!", says Obama. He looks a the third kid, who is looking down at the ground. "What would you like?"

The kid slowly looks at Obama and says, "I want a wheelchair, some crutches and lots of bandages."

Obama, stunned, asks him, "Are you sure?"

The kid replies, "Yeah, 'cause when my dad finds out I saved your ass, he's gonna beat the crap out of me."

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Friday, April 3, 2009

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women! No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

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Friday, March 27, 2009

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Two hookers were on a street corner in New York City. They started discussing business.

One of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, that's me, I just burped."

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Clem meets his next neighbor walking down the sidewalk, holding a roll of chicken wire under his arm.

"Hello, Sam, whatchya doin' with that chicken wire?"

"Hi, Clem, I'm going to catch me some chickens."

"What? Sam, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"I can't? Hmmm, I never thought of that. Well, see ya."

Later that evening Clem looks out his window and sees Sam walking by with three chickens under his arms! "Well, I'll be," Clem says to himself.

The very next day Clem is walking down the sidewalk when he meets Sam again. Sam is carrying two rolls of duck tape.

"Hello, Sam, I see you got some duck tape there. Is that to hold the chicken wire together so those chickens don't get out?"

"Nope," says Sam, "I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

Clem was about to say something but decided not to. "Okay then, Sam. We'll see ya."

Later that day Clem sees Sam walking into his house carrying a wire cage full of ducks. "Holy smokes!" thinks Clem.

A couple days later Clem is mowing his grass when he sees Sam coming up the sidewalk.

"Well, hello Sam. I seen the other day you got yourself a bunch of ducks to go with those chickens. How they doing?"

"Oh, they're doing pretty good. I already have some fresh eggs, and those ducks sure are fun to feed by hand." says Sam.

Clem notices Sam is holding some reeds in his hand. "Whatchya got there, Sam?" he asks.

"Oh, these. These are pussy willows," Sam replies.

Clem doesn't miss a beat. "No kidding. Hang on, lemme grab my coat!"

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Sunday, March 22, 2009

A cute suburban housewife, bored with her sex life, begins having an affair with a man while her husband is at work. She doesn't know it but her 10-year-old son has been hiding in her closet, watching the two of them go at it.

But one day her husband comes home early from work. Mom tells her lover to hide in the closet, and he gets the idea that he's not alone in there.

"Sure is dark in here, huh?" says her son.

Not sure what to say, the man replies, "Uh, yeah."

"I have a baseball I'll sell ya." says the boy.

"I don't want to buy a baseball." replies the lover.

"This one you do," says the boy. "I know things about you now."

Realizing the kid has the upper hand, the man asks, "How much?"

"$250.00." says the boy.

A week later, mom's having fun with the same man when her husband comes home early again, so back into the closet he goes.

"Sure is dark in here, huh?" asks the kid.

"Oh, not you again!" says the man.

"Yep. I have a baseball glove I'll sell ya for $750."


A couple days later, dad tells his son to grab his ball and glove and come outside so they can throw a few back and forth. The son says he can't, he doesn't have his ball and glove anymore because he sold them to a friend.

Dad asks him how much he sold them for and the son says, "A thousand dollars."
Dad's a bit astonished, and tells his son it's terrible that he took advantage of a friend like that.

"I'm taking you to the church and you're going to confessional!"

So they drive to the church and the boy sits down in the confessional booth and closes the door. The priest enters his booth and the boy says,

"Sure is dark in here, huh?"

The priest sighs. "How much this time?"

.....................................................................................

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Saturday, March 21, 2009

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down.

"How did it go for you tonight, dear?" asked her mother.

"Pretty so-so," replied the daughter. "I had to drop to $20 for a blowjob."

"Oh, that's not so bad," said the mother, "in my day we were lucky to get 50 cents!"

"That's nothing!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!

Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!

Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!

Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!

Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!

Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!

Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!

Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!

Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind!

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Davy was thirteen and awoke in the middle of the night hearing a deep thumping noise in the house. He got out of bed to see what was making the noise.

He left his room and could still hear the thump, thump, thump coming from somewhere. In the hallway he could hear it louder. He walked down the hallway towards his parents bedroom and the thumping became louder and louder. He opened their bedroom door and peaked inside and seen his dad in bed on top of his mom!

Davy was so traumatized he ran back to his room and jumped in bed and didn't say a word the next morning. He got dressed and ran out the door and went to school, didn't even eat breakfast or grab his lunch. And he didn't speak for another four days.

But he eventually got back to normal.

One day about three weeks later, his dad came home and asked the Mrs. where Davy was and she said he got on his bike and went to see his grandmother.

Dad drives over and sees Davy's bike on the porch and walks into the house.

He hears a thump, thump, thump. He walks through the living room and it seems to be coming from upstairs, so he walks up the stairs. It gets louder as he walks down the hall and finally he opens a bedroom door and sticks his head in and sees his son on top of gramma!!!

He flings the door wide open and says, "Oh, sure, it's okay if it's not YOUR mom!"

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

The teacher told her students she would ask them a question every Monday and if one of them could guess the answer, no one would get homework on Friday.

The students loved the idea. On Monday, the teacher asked them, "How many gallons of water are there in the entire world?"

No one could answer that, so they got homework on Friday.

The very next Monday, the teacher asked them, "How many grains of sand can fit in a one-gallon bucket?

Yep, homework on Friday.

Johnny could see how this was going, they'd always get homework, so he thought about it for awhile. He got two golf balls and painted them black.

The next Monday just as the teacher was about to ask her question, Johnny rolled the two golf balls down the aisle to the front of the class.

"Okay", said the teacher, "who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Johnny immediately stood up and said, "Bill Cosby! No homework for me on Friday!"

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew into the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

Astonished, she replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?!'

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Friday, March 13, 2009

A woman is shaking the dirt out of a throw rug over her balcony railing on the 44th floor when she slips and falls over the railing.

Plummeting towards the ground she prays to God to save her.

Just then a man on the 39th floor reaches his arms out and catches her.

"Hey, baby! Do you suck dick?", he asks.

Surprised and disgusted, she says, "NO!"

So the guy drops her back over the railing. She's s falling and screaming for her life when a man on the 32nd floor catches her.

"Do you like hot, pounding sex?", he asks.

Indignantly, she yells at him, "Of course not!"

The guy tosses her back over the rail and she screams bloody murder as she falls closer to her death.

On the 25th floor yet another man reaches out and catches her. Learning from the first two men, she immediately blurts out "I love cock! I love sex!"

The guy looks at her, says "YOU SLUT!" and throws her over the railing...

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Jim, the office manager, arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice:

"Bill, I used to get stressed out working here, too. But you know what? I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

"Hey, Bill! I see you followed my advice!"

"Yes, I did." answers the employee, "It was great!"

"By the way, Jim, your wife looks really hot in that red nightie."

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?