Thursday, September 24, 2009

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Originally, God made woman with three boobs, not just two.

But when the middle one kept getting in the way, he did some surgery.

So woman is standing before God holding that boob in her hand and wondering what she should do with it.

So God made man...

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Two elderly gentlemen decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.....

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her tit she farted and flew out the window!"

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Guy goes into a bar, and there's only a robot bartender. He walks up to the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "168".

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,"What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini".

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

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Laughter is the best medicine and I hope you find something to laugh about every day!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea! Let's do it!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing ...I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this"'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

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Monday, September 7, 2009

A man took his pet duck to the movie theatre. He was worried about not getting admitted if someone saw the duck, so to hide the duck he stuck it inside his pants.

After about fifteen minutes after the man found a seat inside the theater the duck began to get uncomfortable, so the man opened his zipper so the duck could stick his head out. That was a lot better.

There were two women sitting next to him in the theatre.

One woman said to the other one, "Muriel, that man has his "thing" out".

Muriel said, So what you’ve seen one before.

"Yes", replied her friend, "but this one is eating my popcorn!"

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Confucious say...

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!

Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly!

Man who walk sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok!

Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it!

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?