Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The fag says, "Oh, Sheriff, I'll need at least two hours."

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Monday, July 27, 2009

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Jack and his best friend are sitting on the front porch on a hot Virginia summer afternoon. Jack's Bluetick hound is lazily licking himself between the legs.

Jack's buddy says, "Boy... I wish I could do that..."

Jack looks over at the hound and then at his friend and says, "Ooohh he'd bite you..."

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Superman is flying around Metropolis when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop.

He flies a little closer and sees she's nude and squirming, obviously turned on. He thinks about flying down there and screwing the hell out of her but his help is needed elsewhere so he flies off to take care of the bad guys.

Three minutes later he flies back to where he spotted Wonder Woman and she's still there, and she's really squirming on her towel now! He decides to give her a fast one and he'll be gone before she even knows what happened, so down her flies. Wham, bam! Thank you, maam!

Wonder Woman stops squirming and says, "What was that?!"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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If Gramma ain't happy, NOBODY is happy!
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Monday, July 13, 2009

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered an illustration. A little boy who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. .Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

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Oh, damn, now that's just funny!
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Saturday, July 4, 2009

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven.

When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.

"Who was God's son?" said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

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Happy Fourth Of July Everybody!

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I love to laugh. Know any dirty jokes?